we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
