You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
