just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
