my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
