Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
