Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
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The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
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btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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