Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
