Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
