420 ftw
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
