I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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