I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
