She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
