I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
