Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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