Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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