I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You made out with two different species that night
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
