I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
