you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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