when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
