I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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