why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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