Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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