Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
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Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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