Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
