someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
