im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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