I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
