I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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