I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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