if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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