Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
