Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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