Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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