He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
