Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
