hotel room ftw
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
