the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
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Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
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When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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