I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
