i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
