Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
