I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
