ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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