It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
