What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
