He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
