I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
