so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
