hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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