Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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