You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
