Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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