im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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