Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
