I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
