Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
