I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
