I want to have your abortion
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
