Where did you get a picture of my penis
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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